A Murder of One

This wont be a long post, just wanted to say that I'm happy and doing alright right now. Which is nice for a change. I don't really know what it is, I can't put my finger on any one thing particularly, but I thinks it more just the fact that a bunch of things are looking up or are going better.

Life isn't perfect, but I don't expect it to be. I mean my love life still sucks, but it's not really bothering me right now and instead of worrying about it I'd rather focus on other things.

I don't really have anything else to say today, so here is a bunch of random stuff:

- I changed the way comments are done on here since a few people couldn't post comments, sorry about that. I do really enjoy the comments from people though :)

- I won't be around much this next week. I'm going to my cottage, which isn't that far and I could come home and get online, but I kinda want to relax down there and spend more time reading (I just got a bunch of new books this past week).

- I also want to work on getting back into my daily routine of working out this week and I feel like I spend too much time on a computer anyway so this break will probably be good.

- I've still been able to see at least part of every single world cup match on tv :)

- I'm getting the iphone 4. Most likely wont get it this week unless I decide to go and get it the day it comes out. I'm thinking of waiting a couple weeks and getting the larger memory one because my ipod just died this week (what timing) and instead of buying an ipod and the iphone i'll just get one. But I need to work more and save a little more money before I can buy it.

Thats about it. Hope everyone else is doing well and check out my twitter if you want. I tend to update that a lot more often than this :)

I've been given my brush and plate
But where will i paint my life
And will the buyer in the sky
Believe in what i dream
And it's so hard for me to explain
What i will miss
To myself

Every once in a while I get in a mood where I reflect on my life, and I'm in one now so I figured I'd write about it and post. I'm not sure how it will go though since my mind often runs off on many different tangents, but I'll try to keep it at least a little together.

I believe that love can take many forms, like the love you have for family, for friends, for lovers.

I also believe that deep down everyone has a desire to love and be loved in life.

I wonder sometimes if I don't try too hard at that though. I often feel that I care, love and make myself vulnerable too easily. Its not that I just care deeply about everyone or anything like that or that I fall in love with everyone I meet. Its just that, and not to sound full of myself because I'm really not, I am a caring person. I have respect for everyone and believe i have the ability to care for everyone, unless they give me a reason not to.

Recently, however I wonder if I don't ignore certain qualities in people in order to try to love and be loved by them. I mean sure I have no problem ignoring little flaws in people, because no one is perfect. What I'm referring to though, is bigger things like the ability or (more likely) the want for that person to care and love me back. I feel like sometimes if someone gives me attention, even the minimum I am able to ignore this fact, or to create in my mind something that's not really there.

For example I have friends that I care deeply about and thought cared deeply about me who are easily able to walk away from me and never talk to me or see me again. I wonder if they think of me from time to time like I do them, but I highly doubt it. It also makes me question just how much they actually cared about me compared to how much I cared about them, which makes me ultimately feel like a fool.

While other people and situations lately have lead me to think of this, there's one person who has been heavy on my mind because of this. This is someone who I fell in love deeper than just friends. I thought we were in love, at least I loved him that way. We were lovers, but now that I look back I realized he didn't care about me at all really and was only in it for himself, for the ego boost I gave him. I think for a while I knew this too, yet I kept ignoring it and kept falling deeper for him, hoping eventually he would change and begin showing that he cared about me.

When I finally had a situation where he actually hurt me, it woke me up from the spell I was under. I saw the real person he was. The person who was self-centered, who didn't give a shit about me at all. Who only kept me around because I cured his boredom or I made him laugh once in a while.

Yet I wasn't upset or mad at him, I was mad at myself. I was a fool for ignoring his qualities that were always there. The fact that he never asked me how I was, that he never initiated conversations or even really said 'hi' until I made the first effort. I was a fool for continuing to ignore those things until it was too late, that I fell for him and had to have my heart broken to break myself. And I'm still a fool for knowing that deep down I still have feelings for him.

Finally, and most importantly, I'm still a fool because I know I will continue to do this, maybe not for him but for others. It's happened again since him, and I know it will happen again even if they are to less degrees of caring and love. I don't know how to fix it besides cutting myself off from feeling for other people and that's not what I want to do.

So I guess the best thing to do is to just walk away from each situation knowing a little more about myself and the type of people I want to surround myself with. I know not everyone that I open up to will treat me this way, but I also know I need to suffer through these so I don't miss out on the ones who will care about me and love me.

Because after all, deep down everyone has a desire to love and to be loved.


You're all alone, and you can't take it,
You're just too tired to suffocate it,
And all along we'll just fake it,

But I tried,
I tried, goodbye,

Sorry I havent posted in the last few days. I was really trying to post every day (or every other at least) for a while. But I got busy with work and on Friday was the start of the World Cup. So far I've watched all of most of the matches, and caught at least some of every match. It's worked out that the games are on in the morning so I can go into work afterward. I decided I wanted to do a post on soccer/football but as I type its getting pretty long so I'm going to break it into two posts I think and post the other half tomorrow. This one will focus on me as a player and a coach and tomorrow will focus on me as a fan. And this will probably give away who i am to anyone who reads this that may know me, but oh well.

To say I'm obsessed with soccer is probably an understatement.

When I was younger I played as many sports as I could. I'm sure I drove my parents nuts because a lot of their time was spent playing chauffeur and taking me from practice to game, or game to game. I remember many days that were spent going to a basketball game in the morning often at the league i played in an hour away, and then driving a few hours further to a hockey game. But when I was in like 5th grade I started playing youth soccer. My parents probably loved it because it was a local league in my hometown and so there was no traveling really. I really enjoyed it for some reason I cant really explain.

When I was 11 my soccer (or football) career took a big turn which changed everything. In a youth game against another town which is about 10 minutes away, our goal keeper got kicked and was hurt. Before this, our coach had always just put the biggest kid in goal. The goal keeper didnt need to run as much and since the skill level wasn't that high, a larger kid in goal meant they took up more of the net. But with our "big" kid getting hurt we had no one to play goal and no one was volunteering when the coached asked. Finally as I could see my coach was getting desperate I volunteered because I would rather go back there than have some kid who didnt want to be in net playing (chances are less goals lol). Before this I played midfield or forward and was good for a goal or two a game (this was youth soccer, but still a decent amount).

I must have played pretty well. I remember making one big save, and I was more aggressive than the "big" kid. I ended up playing the rest of the season there and my team won the league. A year later I started playing for my schools team and continued to play keeper. As I entered high school I stopped playing other sports and focused just on soccer. I played year round by joining a club team and also paid for training from pro-coaches and went to a couple soccer camps.

There was just something about playing soccer. It cleared my mind when I was out on the field. For those 80-90 minutes (depending on the league I was playing in) it didnt matter that my personal life was shit, or that I was fighting with my friends... I was so focused on the game and doing my job that I was free and able to forget everything. It wasn't just games either, I could do it with practice. I became focused, so therefore I became a better goal keeper. My last two years of high school I was named to the all-tournament team for the pre-season tournament my team played on, was named team captain, and was a league all-star.

After high school I went away to my first university. I had a few schools show interest in me while I was playing in high school, but this coach drove well over 3 hours to come see me play. They also had physical therapy as a major which I was interested in, and was located in Buffalo, NY which was the area my mom's family was from and a place I really liked (don't ask why, most people dont see Buffalo as a great place) so I decided to go play there.

My first year, and only year at this school, I played behind a nationally ranked goal keeper. I still played in quite a few games (and actually had a higher save percentage than the keeper above me) as he was a senior and so our coach wanted to prepare for the next year. After that year I decided I didnt want to be a physical therapist so it made no sense in staying at that uni and came home to a small community college where I played a year of soccer as well. I became hurt during that season though, which was horrible for me having to sit and watch and feel helpless. I still came to every practice and worked with my back up keeper and trained him. I also went back to old high school and started helping out my old coach.

The next season came around and I still wasn't able to play. My old high school coach suggested I apply and coach the 7th and 8th grade boys soccer team. It was the most fun I've had in a while. I was still pretty close in age to the kids so I was able to goof around a little, but I made sure they were well prepared and trained by the time games started. We won all but one game that season (first game of the year we lost). I ended up coaching one more year after that as well and we were highly successful that year as well.

I decided during that time that I wanted to coach for a living, or at least part of it. Unfortunately there aren't many jobs for just coach in the states, so I decided to go to school for education, to teach and coach. It was weird because I had gone through several majors in college, but once I selected this one I haven't second guessed it.

So thats where I am today. I don't coach at my old high school because I had to go away to college. I've taken a few courses from US Soccer and now have my USSF "D" License as well. I plan on continuing my education in coaching and hopefully eventually get back to coaching a school team or a club team even once I get a teaching job.

And I'm sorry for those of you who don't have an interest in sports or football/soccer, but its part of my life, and this blog is about my life....so there! :p

Oh and heres an awesome video for the world cup... its the theme song for the 2010 world cup and also a very cool video with lots of great goals from past world cups. It gives me chills every time I watch, and i've probably watch it at least 10 times already :p