A Murder of One

so I figure most of you arent following me anymore, and if you are...well i'm sorry i havent posted anything interesting in a while, or anything at all for that matter :p

So since its gonna be the new year, why not move on to the new me?

I still have twitter...which i have private but all you have to do is request to follow and as long as you seem human i'll most likely approve.

And i'm now gonna try tumblr. It seems interesting, and fun, and well.. a lot of people i know are doing it so i want to jump on board before its uncool. btw, i'll also be getting a myspace and an AOL instant messenger screen name, because i hear those are the amazing new technology and the future :)

but seriously...i got a tumblr. and you can find it here.

I'll post more there.

Hope you all are well, happy new year everyone :)

i'm willing to prove
that you're the one
i regret to slip away
now i know it was only you
that i've been searching for
been missing all this time

Sorry I havent posted that much. I've been really busy with work. I'm working 6 days a week and when it gets to be my one day off I usually just recuperate and run some errands I need to get done. I can't believe how fast this summer is going. Its already pretty much mid July and I'm done with work in mid August. I'm going to have to get a job at school this year to pay the bills for my apartment but I dont mind. I'm excited to get my own place and be able to cook my own meals and everything.

But anyway, I was going to post in response to what you all wanted to know from the last post, but theres some other things i need to get off my chest first.

So for those of you who don't know, last summer I dated a guy for pretty much the whole summer. We hung out pretty much everyday and did a lot of stuff lol. At the end of the summer though we decided to go separate ways as he works and I was going back to school. When I came home from school for break I would see him and we ended up hooking up a couple times. I can safely say I fell in love with him.

The whole time I always questioned how much he actually cared about me though, and you can read it on this post. But anyway it all came crashing down on my birthday when he came into where I worked with another guy for dinner. He forgot it was my birthday and when reminded he said he thought it was 2 or 3 days before which meant he intentionally didnt do anything.

So flash forward to this past weekend when all the sudden he sends me a text asking if i want to come drink with him in his town. Before this text I hadn't talked to him in nearly a month and was moving on from him and trying to forget him. I couldnt go because I was busy with work, but I had a good text convo with him the whole night. I got the impression that I was just his booty call as he kept telling me how horny he was and how he wanted me to sleep with him that night lol. It was pretty funny for me and I kinda teased him and lead him on a little bit, which I don't feel bad for because he was kind of a jerk to me in the past.

But we've been talking since. I really opened up to him in one convo about how much he hurt me with my birthday and since then he's been genuinely nice to me. It confuses me. I don't know what to think or how to react to it all.

Like today he sent me a text asking if I worked and I said yes and he asked what time saying he wanted to come get food but wanted to make sure I was working so he could see me. I thought it was cute and nice and when he came in tonight he gave me a little hemp bracelet (altho I'll wear it on my ankle) he made while he was bored at work. He told me he was sorry about my birthday and this was my belated gift. He also talked about how we needed to hang out sometime and how he missed me. I kinda melted a little bit, but couldn't show it because the people I work with don't know I'm bi so I couldn't really say too much back.

So I don't know where this will lead. I'm still attracted to him and have a few feelings for him but I dont want to go through what I went through before. I mean sure we could become just friends with benefits but I'm not sure how much I'd like that or if i'd be able to not attach feelings to everything. Part of me wants to just forget him and ignore him, but a majority of me cant.

and so I just repeat everything all over and fall again...

Ok so here is a post i wrote on my computer in word earlier this spring. I didn't have a blog at the time but I had a feeling I'd start again soon and figured this would be a good post. Sorry if its a little long.
_________________________

Sorry, I havent really gotten much of a chance to post much. First, like i mentioned before, I've been away where I didnt really have a reliable internet connection. All I had was my phone and its Edge internet as I dont have 3g where I was (or at home...or at uni...stupid at&t service).

Second, I'm now working quite a bit. This week I'm working 6 days so it's kept me busy...and out of most trouble :p

But I just wanted to post to say I'm doing alright. I don't want this blog to become one of those where the person only posts once a month or whatever. I used to be able to find time to post once a day in the past, but I think my life has become a little more busy (busy is a better word in this case than exciting lol)

I do have a couple of post ideas coming up. I want to do my other soccer/football post as I think it tells a lot about me (I think), and I also have a post saved in word that I want to post. I actually wrote it when I wasnt blogging... I kinda figured I'd come back and blog again, and I like the story it tells :)

But that gets me to the real point of this post. What do you want me to blog about? Give me a subject or something about me you want to know. I'm open to anything. I know kinda sad that I'm only a few posts in and needing something to write about. I'm sure I could find something but this seems more interesting haha.

Alright, hope everyone is well out there :)

P.S. in case you havent noticed or figured out, all my post titles have been lyrics from songs. You can google them I'm sure to figure out which, but bonus points if you can name them without googling :)

This wont be a long post, just wanted to say that I'm happy and doing alright right now. Which is nice for a change. I don't really know what it is, I can't put my finger on any one thing particularly, but I thinks it more just the fact that a bunch of things are looking up or are going better.

Life isn't perfect, but I don't expect it to be. I mean my love life still sucks, but it's not really bothering me right now and instead of worrying about it I'd rather focus on other things.

I don't really have anything else to say today, so here is a bunch of random stuff:

- I changed the way comments are done on here since a few people couldn't post comments, sorry about that. I do really enjoy the comments from people though :)

- I won't be around much this next week. I'm going to my cottage, which isn't that far and I could come home and get online, but I kinda want to relax down there and spend more time reading (I just got a bunch of new books this past week).

- I also want to work on getting back into my daily routine of working out this week and I feel like I spend too much time on a computer anyway so this break will probably be good.

- I've still been able to see at least part of every single world cup match on tv :)

- I'm getting the iphone 4. Most likely wont get it this week unless I decide to go and get it the day it comes out. I'm thinking of waiting a couple weeks and getting the larger memory one because my ipod just died this week (what timing) and instead of buying an ipod and the iphone i'll just get one. But I need to work more and save a little more money before I can buy it.

Thats about it. Hope everyone else is doing well and check out my twitter if you want. I tend to update that a lot more often than this :)

I've been given my brush and plate
But where will i paint my life
And will the buyer in the sky
Believe in what i dream
And it's so hard for me to explain
What i will miss
To myself

Every once in a while I get in a mood where I reflect on my life, and I'm in one now so I figured I'd write about it and post. I'm not sure how it will go though since my mind often runs off on many different tangents, but I'll try to keep it at least a little together.

I believe that love can take many forms, like the love you have for family, for friends, for lovers.

I also believe that deep down everyone has a desire to love and be loved in life.

I wonder sometimes if I don't try too hard at that though. I often feel that I care, love and make myself vulnerable too easily. Its not that I just care deeply about everyone or anything like that or that I fall in love with everyone I meet. Its just that, and not to sound full of myself because I'm really not, I am a caring person. I have respect for everyone and believe i have the ability to care for everyone, unless they give me a reason not to.

Recently, however I wonder if I don't ignore certain qualities in people in order to try to love and be loved by them. I mean sure I have no problem ignoring little flaws in people, because no one is perfect. What I'm referring to though, is bigger things like the ability or (more likely) the want for that person to care and love me back. I feel like sometimes if someone gives me attention, even the minimum I am able to ignore this fact, or to create in my mind something that's not really there.

For example I have friends that I care deeply about and thought cared deeply about me who are easily able to walk away from me and never talk to me or see me again. I wonder if they think of me from time to time like I do them, but I highly doubt it. It also makes me question just how much they actually cared about me compared to how much I cared about them, which makes me ultimately feel like a fool.

While other people and situations lately have lead me to think of this, there's one person who has been heavy on my mind because of this. This is someone who I fell in love deeper than just friends. I thought we were in love, at least I loved him that way. We were lovers, but now that I look back I realized he didn't care about me at all really and was only in it for himself, for the ego boost I gave him. I think for a while I knew this too, yet I kept ignoring it and kept falling deeper for him, hoping eventually he would change and begin showing that he cared about me.

When I finally had a situation where he actually hurt me, it woke me up from the spell I was under. I saw the real person he was. The person who was self-centered, who didn't give a shit about me at all. Who only kept me around because I cured his boredom or I made him laugh once in a while.

Yet I wasn't upset or mad at him, I was mad at myself. I was a fool for ignoring his qualities that were always there. The fact that he never asked me how I was, that he never initiated conversations or even really said 'hi' until I made the first effort. I was a fool for continuing to ignore those things until it was too late, that I fell for him and had to have my heart broken to break myself. And I'm still a fool for knowing that deep down I still have feelings for him.

Finally, and most importantly, I'm still a fool because I know I will continue to do this, maybe not for him but for others. It's happened again since him, and I know it will happen again even if they are to less degrees of caring and love. I don't know how to fix it besides cutting myself off from feeling for other people and that's not what I want to do.

So I guess the best thing to do is to just walk away from each situation knowing a little more about myself and the type of people I want to surround myself with. I know not everyone that I open up to will treat me this way, but I also know I need to suffer through these so I don't miss out on the ones who will care about me and love me.

Because after all, deep down everyone has a desire to love and to be loved.


You're all alone, and you can't take it,
You're just too tired to suffocate it,
And all along we'll just fake it,

But I tried,
I tried, goodbye,

Sorry I havent posted in the last few days. I was really trying to post every day (or every other at least) for a while. But I got busy with work and on Friday was the start of the World Cup. So far I've watched all of most of the matches, and caught at least some of every match. It's worked out that the games are on in the morning so I can go into work afterward. I decided I wanted to do a post on soccer/football but as I type its getting pretty long so I'm going to break it into two posts I think and post the other half tomorrow. This one will focus on me as a player and a coach and tomorrow will focus on me as a fan. And this will probably give away who i am to anyone who reads this that may know me, but oh well.

To say I'm obsessed with soccer is probably an understatement.

When I was younger I played as many sports as I could. I'm sure I drove my parents nuts because a lot of their time was spent playing chauffeur and taking me from practice to game, or game to game. I remember many days that were spent going to a basketball game in the morning often at the league i played in an hour away, and then driving a few hours further to a hockey game. But when I was in like 5th grade I started playing youth soccer. My parents probably loved it because it was a local league in my hometown and so there was no traveling really. I really enjoyed it for some reason I cant really explain.

When I was 11 my soccer (or football) career took a big turn which changed everything. In a youth game against another town which is about 10 minutes away, our goal keeper got kicked and was hurt. Before this, our coach had always just put the biggest kid in goal. The goal keeper didnt need to run as much and since the skill level wasn't that high, a larger kid in goal meant they took up more of the net. But with our "big" kid getting hurt we had no one to play goal and no one was volunteering when the coached asked. Finally as I could see my coach was getting desperate I volunteered because I would rather go back there than have some kid who didnt want to be in net playing (chances are less goals lol). Before this I played midfield or forward and was good for a goal or two a game (this was youth soccer, but still a decent amount).

I must have played pretty well. I remember making one big save, and I was more aggressive than the "big" kid. I ended up playing the rest of the season there and my team won the league. A year later I started playing for my schools team and continued to play keeper. As I entered high school I stopped playing other sports and focused just on soccer. I played year round by joining a club team and also paid for training from pro-coaches and went to a couple soccer camps.

There was just something about playing soccer. It cleared my mind when I was out on the field. For those 80-90 minutes (depending on the league I was playing in) it didnt matter that my personal life was shit, or that I was fighting with my friends... I was so focused on the game and doing my job that I was free and able to forget everything. It wasn't just games either, I could do it with practice. I became focused, so therefore I became a better goal keeper. My last two years of high school I was named to the all-tournament team for the pre-season tournament my team played on, was named team captain, and was a league all-star.

After high school I went away to my first university. I had a few schools show interest in me while I was playing in high school, but this coach drove well over 3 hours to come see me play. They also had physical therapy as a major which I was interested in, and was located in Buffalo, NY which was the area my mom's family was from and a place I really liked (don't ask why, most people dont see Buffalo as a great place) so I decided to go play there.

My first year, and only year at this school, I played behind a nationally ranked goal keeper. I still played in quite a few games (and actually had a higher save percentage than the keeper above me) as he was a senior and so our coach wanted to prepare for the next year. After that year I decided I didnt want to be a physical therapist so it made no sense in staying at that uni and came home to a small community college where I played a year of soccer as well. I became hurt during that season though, which was horrible for me having to sit and watch and feel helpless. I still came to every practice and worked with my back up keeper and trained him. I also went back to old high school and started helping out my old coach.

The next season came around and I still wasn't able to play. My old high school coach suggested I apply and coach the 7th and 8th grade boys soccer team. It was the most fun I've had in a while. I was still pretty close in age to the kids so I was able to goof around a little, but I made sure they were well prepared and trained by the time games started. We won all but one game that season (first game of the year we lost). I ended up coaching one more year after that as well and we were highly successful that year as well.

I decided during that time that I wanted to coach for a living, or at least part of it. Unfortunately there aren't many jobs for just coach in the states, so I decided to go to school for education, to teach and coach. It was weird because I had gone through several majors in college, but once I selected this one I haven't second guessed it.

So thats where I am today. I don't coach at my old high school because I had to go away to college. I've taken a few courses from US Soccer and now have my USSF "D" License as well. I plan on continuing my education in coaching and hopefully eventually get back to coaching a school team or a club team even once I get a teaching job.

And I'm sorry for those of you who don't have an interest in sports or football/soccer, but its part of my life, and this blog is about my life....so there! :p

Oh and heres an awesome video for the world cup... its the theme song for the 2010 world cup and also a very cool video with lots of great goals from past world cups. It gives me chills every time I watch, and i've probably watch it at least 10 times already :p

So alright, I figured I should give a little info about myself...for people who dont know me and for those who have forgotten me lol.

June 5th

Ok, so I'll explain the new title to my blog, since many believe I've become emo or something (no more than before haha).

One of my favorite bands is the Counting Crows. The past 5 summers I've seen them live, and I'm bummed that they aren't coming anywhere near here this summer (unless things change). One of my favorite, if not my overall favorite, songs by them is "A Murder of One." It was released on their first album "August and Everything After" back in 1993, so I think thats a little pre-emo haha. But I didnt just pick it because I liked the song and thought it sounded cool, I picked it because of two main, deeper reasons...

I've been watching you for hours.
It's been years since we were born.
We were perfect when we started...
I've been wondering where we've gone.

The first is that if you read the lyrics to the song, its about a guy who is in love with a girl who he was in a relationship with at some point, but the girl is now with another guy. And that pretty much sums up and fits perfectly how i feel for a someone right now, but i think thats another post.

There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin.
Yeah, when you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in.

The second is kind of a second meaning to the title. The song was written by the Counting Crows, and a group of Crows is a "murder." So a murder of one takes on a whole new "loner" meaning.

I'm not a loner, but I don't mind being alone. I often don't throw my feelings out to others especially friends because I dont really want to burden them. I will however always be their for them. Its just the way I am and I dont think I can really change. Its probably not the healthiest for me, but it works for now.

So there, that pretty much sums up the new name for everyone, and I'll post a youtube video of the song below this if you want to listen to the song.

Alright, so not sure how many people will remember me. Hopefully a few :p

I used to be known as Courage, or thecourage, or xthecouragex or....

I've decided to give this blog thing another try. I figure it will be good for me to write down thoughts here or there and share things I think are interesting. I don't have a lot of time right now to write a long post, but I figured I'd just post something so it wasn't a blank blog. I plan on posting about the new title of the blog, and whats been going on (probably a little about me for new people to read too)

But I have twitter

And you can always email me (see my profile)

Finally, if you want your link for your blog on here just let me know and I'll put it on here, but you gotta return the favor :p