A Murder of One

Every once in a while I get in a mood where I reflect on my life, and I'm in one now so I figured I'd write about it and post. I'm not sure how it will go though since my mind often runs off on many different tangents, but I'll try to keep it at least a little together.

I believe that love can take many forms, like the love you have for family, for friends, for lovers.

I also believe that deep down everyone has a desire to love and be loved in life.

I wonder sometimes if I don't try too hard at that though. I often feel that I care, love and make myself vulnerable too easily. Its not that I just care deeply about everyone or anything like that or that I fall in love with everyone I meet. Its just that, and not to sound full of myself because I'm really not, I am a caring person. I have respect for everyone and believe i have the ability to care for everyone, unless they give me a reason not to.

Recently, however I wonder if I don't ignore certain qualities in people in order to try to love and be loved by them. I mean sure I have no problem ignoring little flaws in people, because no one is perfect. What I'm referring to though, is bigger things like the ability or (more likely) the want for that person to care and love me back. I feel like sometimes if someone gives me attention, even the minimum I am able to ignore this fact, or to create in my mind something that's not really there.

For example I have friends that I care deeply about and thought cared deeply about me who are easily able to walk away from me and never talk to me or see me again. I wonder if they think of me from time to time like I do them, but I highly doubt it. It also makes me question just how much they actually cared about me compared to how much I cared about them, which makes me ultimately feel like a fool.

While other people and situations lately have lead me to think of this, there's one person who has been heavy on my mind because of this. This is someone who I fell in love deeper than just friends. I thought we were in love, at least I loved him that way. We were lovers, but now that I look back I realized he didn't care about me at all really and was only in it for himself, for the ego boost I gave him. I think for a while I knew this too, yet I kept ignoring it and kept falling deeper for him, hoping eventually he would change and begin showing that he cared about me.

When I finally had a situation where he actually hurt me, it woke me up from the spell I was under. I saw the real person he was. The person who was self-centered, who didn't give a shit about me at all. Who only kept me around because I cured his boredom or I made him laugh once in a while.

Yet I wasn't upset or mad at him, I was mad at myself. I was a fool for ignoring his qualities that were always there. The fact that he never asked me how I was, that he never initiated conversations or even really said 'hi' until I made the first effort. I was a fool for continuing to ignore those things until it was too late, that I fell for him and had to have my heart broken to break myself. And I'm still a fool for knowing that deep down I still have feelings for him.

Finally, and most importantly, I'm still a fool because I know I will continue to do this, maybe not for him but for others. It's happened again since him, and I know it will happen again even if they are to less degrees of caring and love. I don't know how to fix it besides cutting myself off from feeling for other people and that's not what I want to do.

So I guess the best thing to do is to just walk away from each situation knowing a little more about myself and the type of people I want to surround myself with. I know not everyone that I open up to will treat me this way, but I also know I need to suffer through these so I don't miss out on the ones who will care about me and love me.

Because after all, deep down everyone has a desire to love and to be loved.


You're all alone, and you can't take it,
You're just too tired to suffocate it,
And all along we'll just fake it,

But I tried,
I tried, goodbye,