I'm Not Sure You Understand What this Means to Me, What You Do to Me

Posted by Drew | Posted on 7:37 PM

7

i'm willing to prove
that you're the one
i regret to slip away
now i know it was only you
that i've been searching for
been missing all this time

Sorry I havent posted that much. I've been really busy with work. I'm working 6 days a week and when it gets to be my one day off I usually just recuperate and run some errands I need to get done. I can't believe how fast this summer is going. Its already pretty much mid July and I'm done with work in mid August. I'm going to have to get a job at school this year to pay the bills for my apartment but I dont mind. I'm excited to get my own place and be able to cook my own meals and everything.

But anyway, I was going to post in response to what you all wanted to know from the last post, but theres some other things i need to get off my chest first.

So for those of you who don't know, last summer I dated a guy for pretty much the whole summer. We hung out pretty much everyday and did a lot of stuff lol. At the end of the summer though we decided to go separate ways as he works and I was going back to school. When I came home from school for break I would see him and we ended up hooking up a couple times. I can safely say I fell in love with him.

The whole time I always questioned how much he actually cared about me though, and you can read it on this post. But anyway it all came crashing down on my birthday when he came into where I worked with another guy for dinner. He forgot it was my birthday and when reminded he said he thought it was 2 or 3 days before which meant he intentionally didnt do anything.

So flash forward to this past weekend when all the sudden he sends me a text asking if i want to come drink with him in his town. Before this text I hadn't talked to him in nearly a month and was moving on from him and trying to forget him. I couldnt go because I was busy with work, but I had a good text convo with him the whole night. I got the impression that I was just his booty call as he kept telling me how horny he was and how he wanted me to sleep with him that night lol. It was pretty funny for me and I kinda teased him and lead him on a little bit, which I don't feel bad for because he was kind of a jerk to me in the past.

But we've been talking since. I really opened up to him in one convo about how much he hurt me with my birthday and since then he's been genuinely nice to me. It confuses me. I don't know what to think or how to react to it all.

Like today he sent me a text asking if I worked and I said yes and he asked what time saying he wanted to come get food but wanted to make sure I was working so he could see me. I thought it was cute and nice and when he came in tonight he gave me a little hemp bracelet (altho I'll wear it on my ankle) he made while he was bored at work. He told me he was sorry about my birthday and this was my belated gift. He also talked about how we needed to hang out sometime and how he missed me. I kinda melted a little bit, but couldn't show it because the people I work with don't know I'm bi so I couldn't really say too much back.

So I don't know where this will lead. I'm still attracted to him and have a few feelings for him but I dont want to go through what I went through before. I mean sure we could become just friends with benefits but I'm not sure how much I'd like that or if i'd be able to not attach feelings to everything. Part of me wants to just forget him and ignore him, but a majority of me cant.

and so I just repeat everything all over and fall again...

And I Found that Love was More than Just Holding Hands

Posted by Drew | Posted on 11:41 AM

5

Ok so here is a post i wrote on my computer in word earlier this spring. I didn't have a blog at the time but I had a feeling I'd start again soon and figured this would be a good post. Sorry if its a little long.
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So the last couple days I have been a substitute teacher at a school district near me. I was in for a jr high teacher (8th grade to be exact) who was out two days in a row for some medical proceedure or something. I dont get told that information. All I get is a sheet of paper that says, in about two sentences, what each period is and what they're supposed to do.

All I could think about was back when I was in school (not too long ago) and how I treated substitutes haha. Luckily nothing bad happened for me the last couple days, but I do like to play the "cool" substitute. In most of the classes the teacher had assigned a bunch of questions from the book that were to be turned in at the end. So I made a deal with the kids that if they worked hard and were quiet and good the whole period I would go over the answers with them the last few minutes of class to make sure everyone had the right answers. The way I looked at it was most of the answers are already in the book, and I'd rather have kids learn the right thing than not learn at all. Plus, I was told to grade the papers if I could and right simply a + or - in the grade book on wether they did the assignment fully or not.

But thats not really what I wanted to post about. As part of my duty for the day I had to patrol the hallways inbetween classes and at the end of the day as students head for the bus. Yesterday, after I was done with that I preceeded to the office to sign out for the day and was then told that they needed me to fill in for the same teacher today as well. I agreed and left to go back to the classroom I had been teaching in to grade the papers and grab my coat to leave.

When I turned back down the hallway by where the students catch the bus, there were two boys, both in 8th grade, standing there holding hands as they waited for a ride since the buses had already left. They didnt see me coming as they were talking to each other. When I came closer to them they're heads snapped towards me, their hands droped from one another like the opposite had the plaque, and both had the look of a deer caught in the headlights on their face. They both looked like they had been caught commiting murder right in front of me...when in reality all they were doing was holding hands.

Now I know this school takes a no "public display of affection" policy when it comes to students, and this technically includes holding hands. However I know that most teachers would ignore two students holding hands...as long as one student is a boy and one is a girl. I've seen it before in other school districts I've substituted in or worked in as part of college/uni. Often straight students would be able to push the boundaries of the rule, but if two students who were labeled "gay" "bi" or "lesbians" were to even stand too close to each other they were often "talked to" or "reminded" of the rules. Its sad that even though school districts pretty much have to take a policy where all students are treated equal regardless of sexuality, it often isn't that way when it comes down to it.

So as I kept walking towards these two boys who had the scared to death look on their face I decided to put them at ease. I simply smiled at them and said "Hows it going boys?" They both had a mixed look of relief and confusion on their faces as they both quietly peeped "good." I continued the conversation with "Waiting for a ride?" to which the one, gaining more confidence, replied that his mom was picking them both up. I ended the conversation with "Ok, well I'm still going to be in Mrs. (insert name of teacher) here grading papers for a little so if you get caught in the hallway and need somewhere to stay you can come down there and wait until your mom gets here if you want." They both smiled knowing they were safe with me and said thanks.

As I walked away I noticed the one boy who had done most of the talking reached his hand back out and grabbed the other boys hand. It was a risky move as I was still a teacher that could send them to see the vice principle for doing it, but I'm glad they felt I wasn't a threat to them in that way. I finally turned around to see them still holding hands and smiled again and said "Have a good day boys." The next day when both of them entered the school I got a "Hi Mr. (insert my last name...or rather first initial since its easier for kids :p)" from both of them.

School for young gay kids can be a challenge. Sadly, as in life, the people who are against homosexuality are often the loudest with their arguements. It creates an environment where the students aren't really free to be themselves. I know myself in life I have to "feel" out people to see where they stand, to see who is someone who is against me, and who is someone who will support me. I'm just glad that these students know that not everyone in schools will be against them being themselves. I support them, even if I'm just a substitute teacher haha.